The ice cold water of the chilly pacific lapped at my breasts. My legs had long since stopped burning from the ocean’s icy embrace and I wondered if they would still respond to my request to move when I finally made my decision.
The night seemed absent of the usual noises. Not one cricket sang, the highway was deserted, and even the ocean was unusually calm – it’s roaring waves now a gentle crawl as it drowned the rocky beach.
I took a deep breath and let it out slow. A cloud formed in front of me and I wished for a cigarette whose noxious mist wouldn’t dissipate so quickly. The chattering of my teeth broke the eerie silence and I imagined how a few more steps would do more than numb my now hardened and sensitive nipples, it might numb the rest of me – forever.
Would it hurt to fill my lungs with the salty liquid of the Pacific Ocean? Would the currents drag my body out to the depths or would the bloated and scavenged corpse be washed ashore – only to be found by a family of seven?
A family like mine that at first glance might seem whole but would be as broken and battered as the destructive actions of death himself. I shivered in the gloom and hummed out loud to myself.
“…Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea”.
I sang until I was certain the fishes would welcome me, and then my legs moved. Step by step I numbly walked towards the beach. My frozen and weakened limbs seemed to have a survival instinct all their own as I truly had no sense of self-preservation left. I reached the shore and stumbled across the many jagged boulders that obstructed my path. I bled from my hands and knees as the barnacles and broken clam shells cut me with each new fall.
I sat down heavily upon a log and started to laugh. I couldn’t even kill myself properly!
My breath hitched and tears sprang from my eyes; my laughter turned to wretched sobs.
By definition my father was a good man, but difficult to love. His brain injury made him impossible to live with. Anger ruled him often and his temper was infamous amongst his family and the local police department. I was done living in fear of him but at fifteen I had little choice. So I sat upon that log and cried for my inability to free myself. I cried because although I had no will to go on living, I could not come up with a good enough reason to die.
And so I walked home and pretended as I always had – happiness a mask I expertly painted on.
dberonilla said:
It’s terrible to have to feel such extreme emotion at such a young age.
I know that there must be a lot more to the story, but I am glad that you stayed with us.
Thanks for sharing something so deeply personal.
dalrie said:
There is more to that story for sure! An violent event between my brothers and my father – running away, moving back home to find my bedroom had been given away to my sister, reclaiming my room and having the whole family annoyed with me, as though I had been the problem with the family. So I wanted out once and for all. I’m glad I couldn’t do it. Sometimes our problems seem so big when we are in the thick of it, but life is so good now, I would have missed out on so much!
Thanks for the kind words and for stopping by!
Jennifer - Treading Water in the Kiddie Pool said:
What a difficult thing to write about and to leave open for people to read. I admire you for being able to take that risk and open up that way. You are far more fearless than I (and most others I’d imagine). Great job!
dalrie said:
Thank you. It was one of the hardest moments in my life because I was truly torn as to what decision would be the best one. I’m glad I chose the one I did.
🙂
Christie said:
Oh, the conflicting emotions you must have felt. I like how you described the surrounding details of the event.
dalrie said:
Thanks so much. I remember I was in a weird state. I was much more aware of my surroundings, and I wanted to relay that part of the story!
outlawmama said:
Oh man, this was chilling– in every way. You captured desperation and pain and I love how you tied it to the difficult father figure. Wow. I am glad you survived and can relate to that feeling of desperation. Generous writing and great scene– sad and gripping.
dalrie said:
Thanks you! 🙂 Your compliments mean a lot especially since I admire your writing so much! I’m glad that this piece held the impact I was aiming for and that you enjoyed it!
christina said:
this was tough to read. so much emotion.
dalrie said:
I’m happy you got through it! 🙂
Emma said:
I’m so glad you found the strength to carry on. Your story pierced me with the dire coldness of your pain.
dalrie said:
Thank you Emma. I am glad I went on too! I have three beautiful kids who are reason enough to make the same decision twice!
Robbie said:
This is so cold and raw and heartbreaking. I am glad you survived such a sad and scary time and thank you for sharing this.
dalrie said:
Thank you. I am glad I walked back to the beach too!
ashleyinnc said:
That was an incredible piece of writing. In every way. I am so glad you chose life. I am so sorry you were ever faced with the choice.
dalrie said:
I am very glad I chose life too. My problems were big but they weren’t insurmountable! Thanks for the lovely compliment!
ateachablemom said:
Well done! I marveled at your well-written descriptions and did not expect the twist at the end. An incredibly powerful and painful story. Thank you for sharing it.
dalrie said:
I’m glad you liked my piece. Thanks for the compliments! 😀
Michelle Longo said:
So sad, heartfelt. I loved the descriptions of the ocean. I’m glad you chose life.
dalrie said:
Oh I do love the Ocean! I miss it now that I live farther inland! I’m glad I chose life too! 🙂
raisingivy said:
At first I perceived the main character (or you, rather) as much older, maybe a woman in her fifties worn out from a bad marriage or something, and then when I found out she’s only fifteen and has her whole life ahead of her and is only a few short years shy of getting away from her parents, the whole story became so much more urgent; I just wanted to drag her out of there! Nice surprise. The story gains tension as you go along and builds up a lot of it in a short space.
dalrie said:
Wow thanks Louise! I would have taken you up on that offer back then lol! And yes ultimately the reason to head back to the beach was the fact I only had a few short years left with my dad. I’d survived 15 up until that point, I could manage another three.
I’m glad the pace of the story was fast enough to keep a reader interested!
Thanks sooo much for this insightful comment!
IASoupMama said:
I’m so glad that you turned around, as are all of the people in your life. I love that you were singing about joy in a moment of such desperation.
dalrie said:
At the time I never really thought about the song I was singing, I was so numb. Thinking about it after the incident it seemed almost serendipitous – like my subconscious was trying to show me a different world!
Joseph Cereola said:
Not an easy memory to share.
dalrie said:
Very true. I’m glad you read it! Thanks for commenting! 🙂
Larks said:
That must have been really hard to write. And you’re really brave to put something so personal out there. You did a good job connecting the numbing properties of the cold ocean with the numbing properties of death that makes suicide seem like an option when we’re in such deep pain. I’m glad you pulled through. ((( hugs )))
dalrie said:
Thanks Larks. There truly was a parallel. I did rework this post quite a few times, in truth it started out by hand – then into a word doc, and finally onto my blog. It took a little while to get it the way I wanted – the way I needed it to be. So i’m happy that it struck a cord!
The biggest issue was explaining why I wanted to die without demonizing my father. His anger issues all stem from his brain injury – it doesn’t make the anger easier to deal with but does differentiate him from the typical abusive men out there. When his anger hasn’t taken him by storm he is a very gentle, and kind person. So it was like living with Dr.Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde I suppose.
Thanks for commenting!
tara pohlkotte said:
you nailed this. NAILED it. your words as crisp and cold as the water, carrying with it the numb feelings of in between life and death. it goes without saying i am so happy you are still here, and so happy that you are writing.
dalrie said:
Thanks Tara 😀 I’m ridiculously happy to hear that you really enjoyed this post, I love everything you write. I am very happy to be here too, it’s crazy the changes in my life since then. Now I would fight tooth and nail to stay in this world – no matter the odds or pain I might be in!
Write Rinse Repeat said:
Wow. Just wow. That’s all I can say. Wow.
dalrie said:
Thanks! I’m glad it wowed you 🙂
Kianwi said:
I loved the attention to detail. I could feel the desperation and frustration clearly, as well.
dalrie said:
Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed my more descriptive elements.
Kimberly Pugliano (@GisSilent) said:
Holy wow that was amazing and so descriptive without being TOO descriptive. Great job.
dalrie said:
Thanks Kim! I’m glad I struck a balance! 🙂
Stacie @ Snaps and Bits said:
Wow. It breaks my heart that anyone could be in this much pain. I was lucky to never find myself there. Very brave of you to put it out there and glad the beach won!
dalrie said:
I’m glad too! And I’m glad you have never felt that complete loss of hope – it’s a perfectly lonely place!
Whacamole Mom said:
Beautifully written. Brave. And, hopefully, in retrospect, triumphant. Loved the story. Hated that you lived this.
dalrie said:
Totally triumphant. After that experience I knew I would never try that again. I love life – not all of it’s events or circumstances. I glad you loved the story! 😀
thereedster said:
So vivid. I felt right there with you – all the pain. A well told hard-to-tell and hard to hear story.
dalrie said:
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Jay- The Dude of the House said:
Chilling story, no pun intended. Thankfully you made the decision that you did.
dalrie said:
LOL. Your non-intended pun was awesome. I’m glad I made the life decision too! 🙂
kimberley bischof said:
Wow, again we are so similar! I started my blog a few months ago and haven’t shared my deepest darkest secrets yet. I feel like I will be years before I get all I want to share out! Thanks, you have given me courage!
dalrie said:
I started blogging almost three years ago!! And just am now really opening up and sharing! it’s a daunting prospect but it’s so worth it when you do. It really helps to heal old wounds and who knows may help others out there! 🙂
I’m glad I’ve inspired you. Take your time, respect the process and release when you are ready! The blogosphere will welcome you! 😀
That Unique* Weblog said:
Just wanted to stop by to let you know that I thought this was nicely done. I like the slow, cold, sluggish feeling you gave the legs.
dalrie said:
Wow thanks! I’m thrilled you liked it! 😀
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